Ignore the noise...Keep fighting

This is my best attempt to paint a picture using words to explain my daily bout with depression and anxiety. While everyone’s battle is different, I’m sure there will be similarities. It isn’t that I want to live that way. It is out of my control. Sometimes its all we can do is get one or two things accomplished in a day. For me, those are victory days!

From my Journal:

The negativity is hard to get past and continued into this morning. I have no idea how to explain it other than a loud annoying sound continuously taking my attention and creating a fog in my processing and thinking abilities. It dominates. It is like another person/an alter ego/not really a voice, but it tries to sabotage who I am and the direction I’m heading.

This “person/voice/alter ego” questions whether I’m good enough or have the skills. It tries to have me

make excuses and blame the way I feel on circumstances out of my control. It keeps me from sharing my thoughts, knowledge and wisdom with others. It takes away my confidence and sometimes my happiness. It wants me to be lazy and sleep.

It keeps me from being thankful for the blessings I have in my life despite knowing and wanting to recognize them. It makes me not care about anything thus losing all motivation and momentum in my life. It questions and keeps me from putting my work out there because I might be criticized.

I battle it everyday. Somedays its harder than others. When things are in balance, the little things don’t bug me very much. When I’m not...the little things are huge things for me. A small irritation in balance is a huge wound when I’m not in balance. It makes me dread going into public places where others may come talk to me like church or even at work some days.

It tells me I’m a failure and I don’t matter. It tells me I disappoint everyone. It tells me I won’t get better or I’ll be like this forever. It tells me to go back to bed. It tells me exercise will make me more tired. It tells me no one cares or loves me.

I know deep down none of this is true, but I still find myself fighting and struggling everyday. Once I get going and get positive, I get some things accomplished, but its usually minimal. Today will hopefully be an exception.

This constant battle takes a lot of energy, but I know its temporary (until things balance out again). I will win.

Depression lies. Check out this article written by Maggy van Eijk. 13 Lies Your Depression is Telling You.

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